its much harder to follow God when you're older than when you're young. its something I discovered throughout the years. I recently noticed that I've become a lot like my parents, particularly my father. This is not a flattering fact. I've sworn all my life that I would never do some of the things my parents did, act the way they do.. but now I do. Maybe not exactly the same, but close enough. I think one of the reasons its hard to follow God at an older age is because you've experienced more. You realize that people don't always tell the truth, not everyone is your friend, just because you like someone doesn't mean it will work out, you might not get your dream job. Honestly... all of this is so wearing. It wears down on our enthusiasm, our childlike hope that God will get everything done in his time. I remember in high school when I knew for certain that God was real, scoffed at people who were too concerned with the petty things of life, worshipped him with a childlike faith. I remember watching other people's faith grow and being in awe that my creator was that great, that he actually cared about the desires of someone so little as me.
but we grow up, we realize that people are more stubborn than we think. Our hearts get broken, our dreams get lost, we realize that the little world we grew up in might not be as little as we once thought. And despite our former desires to change the world, we realize that the world might not change. and there's nothing we can do about it.
I realized that I want that childlike faith. I want what I once had. I want to stop thinking that God will let me down, that nothing is for sure. Honestly... to a point, I don't even know if I had the faith anymore. It was hard to be sure... in the modern world, it is so easy for doubt to get at you. I want to believe that God can perform miracles, even though I feel like I've been let down time and time again. I want that passion.... please don't disappear on me.
